12.13.2012

So...

...one day you wake up and everything is different in spite nothing changed around. My materialism prevents me from saying 'all is in your mind' but how you look at things makes things different to a certain estent. The point unfortunately is you can't decide it. Something happens inside you, some longlasting processes come to a end and you find yourself bursting out: What a fuck! - You are free.
Something similar happened to me and it made me think about a drastical pc cleaning: you know - I'm sure you know - when your pc becomes sooooo slow... eventually stop working and you have to 'clean' it, that is to delete almost all on it, saving maybe - if you can! - some old e-mails and addresses. You turn it on and... delight! it's soooooo fast now! sure, because is memory is sooooo freer! That's the feeling: I realize how many energy I wasted in the past years and how many things I can think, create and do instead. A great feeling, I assure you.
At first it was like riding a race bike: flying! after a while it settled down: possibilities became projects, projects got started and I'm at work. Happy, effective and serene. After some more time it began crackling: panic! is the old shit back?! hell no! I don't want to waste energy anymore! ... and it came back so subtlely, in a beautiful dream. Damn! you can't control your dreams. But you can tell yourself that they are dreams, nothing to do with reality and when you wake up you can be aware that you miss the sweet feeling of the dream, not something real you never had. You can and it works, to a certain estent.
The best way to cut with those kind of thoughts is to get healthy and unfairly angry, to tell yourself you are all right and all the fault is by the other side. "What a jerk!" you say all satisfied and move quickly on. It isn't that easy when you insist being fair, being realistic and respectful of your feelings. In fact you invested in something, you cared - I still care - and saying it's all shit you say that... well... you made a big mistake. "What a jerk!" means also "What a stupid I was!". And yep, keeping on with something that doesn't make you happy is stupid. But be honest: you can't forget how happy, haw madly joyful it made you sometimes. I don't want to tell me it has been nothing because for me it has been important. It is STILL important. 
However I'm jealous of my new conquered freedom. I'm trying to go for the hard way: keeping loving and respcting my feeling AND moving on. 
Then you run into a picture and all your zen go to pieces :) 
Wish me good luck. Now it's your turn.

2 comments:

Reno said...


Nice read! Good luck with v2.0 of Iliaria :)

Ilaria said...

Thx :D