Sometimes I feel small, not in a bad way: just like a small animal. When I feel small I simply want a small cosy den, I want to adhere to things, to lose myself in my look toward the word and maybe to write. As a small animal I'm generous and devoted: I enjoy others' joy and am sorry for other's sorrow. I want to be caressed - I think I'm a furry animal as a small one - and get sad if ignored. In my small warm den I sleep a lot, dream too much and get sentimental.
But sometimes I feel even too big! I overflow, can't fit anywhere, need a wide boundless horizon and practical things to do. As a big thing - not necessarily an animal, rather a natural power like avalanche or a giant wave - I'm not sentimental at all. I want results and to fill all the screan. I don't need others when I'm so big: I'm pretty arrogant. Reality is just my scene. I enjoy to be myself and to expand in something creative.
Now, I feel quite big at the moment and that prevents me to wake up at 5am to watch the Tour Down Under. That also prevents me to be happy with my 'coverage' of that race and of Tour of San Luis: I can't write about a race I didn't see. I can comment about results, I can tell I'm happy because a friend of mine won, but who cares? No way! as a big thing I need to move, to go to races and to sink into the race mood. As a big thing I need action not reflection. I need to turn the mirror toward myself and others jus make me impatient.
That's why I asked some accreditations and started studying eagerly the map. That's why I have got so many projects in my mind about so many different subjects - including cycling but also philosophy and my new hall tree. As far as Philosophy is concerned I'm reading Sartre - an author I don't like - and my BigThing's deconstructive eye has a lot of fun extrapolating words as clue and track of the silent fringe of the author's will. About the hall tree: it's modern, all white and I'm going to make it 'contemporary' by a red indelible marker.
I spent some days assemblating a new bookcase and puting back my stuff in it. I decided to put there only books and to throw away all the rest, excluded: documents I need to keep - somewherelse - my old diaries - three boxes, 38 years of life directed to the loft - and an improper ammount of cycling souvenirs. When you put in order your home you put in order your life and to do so you need to be a big thing because a small furry animal would be scared in front of such a titanic job and moved in front of each small piece of the past. As a big thing I'm pleased and even enthusiastic to crush all that old stuff.
I know I sound autistic - as a big thing - and maybe the small animal looks more attractive. Sometimes it's nice to be a furry ball in a den. Sometimes no. I'll not beg pardon for my indifference because as a big thing I'm absolutely indifferent to others' opinions and feelings. You have to be indifferent to crush the past as I do. Look that empty bookcase: what a beautiful nothing! Lets go and create a world!
Don't worry: I'll be small and furry soon :)